Here I am

The woman at the ticket counter in Syracuse this morning noticed that my pass is almost expired. I’m sitting in Syracuse, still, waiting on another bus from up North to get here. Oh, actually it seems like they just arrived, and we’re headed east now. Boston-bound.

I sang Breathe Child last night as the last song of the last show of this big adventure. I introduced the song as something I’d written for myself. And, standing alone on the stage with that beautiful grand piano that I attempted to play, in front of the poinsettas all set for Christmas, with the snow falling down outside, and a little girl hanging on my every word… well, I sang my heart out, one more time. And, now it’s time to go home. I actually felt myself tear up. I’ve made one girl cry at almost every show… and last night, it was me. It was for me.

I had an absolutely amazing time in Kalamazoo, too, even though I didn’t end up performing. It was more a re-integration stop, to get used to winter and get acclimated to Eastern Standard Time. I reconnected with the one person I actually remember from the year we lived there, Ms. Heather Crull. We went out and heard music both nights I was there. I especially enjoyed the Brothers Kalamazov. And, she also introduced me to geo-caching. For those of you with GPS units out there, you have to check it out!

I had a brief moment of panic as we trudged out into the snow-covered woods, sun setting, to find a toy in a box in a tree… who is this girl? I thought. How well do you really know her? What are you really going to do in the woods? ☺ But, lucky for me, she is actually just fun and quirky, and we ended up finding the little hidden treasure. Funny little game. Good excuse to trudge out into the woods in the winter!

I decided to rent a car from Kalamazoo to Syracuse. I found a decent deal online, and it cut my travel time down from 21 hours (via greyhound) to about 9 hours of driving – including a 4 hour stretch through Canada.







I got a bright yellow ridiculous looking sporty two-door car that I would NEVER drive. But, it amused me, and it had cruise control. I had burned CDs at Heather’s house to sing along to, and, also used the opportunity to catch up with my mom, who I hadn’t talked to since leaving the Grand Canyon… it was a new level of freedom, as my friend Sarah pointed out. My own wheels!

There was a ferocious snowstorm in Syracuse the morning after I arrived. But, lucky for me, this meant that my hostess got a snow day! So, Tina and her partner, Melissa and I hung out with their precocious and brilliant 3-year-old, Amelia.



Later we baby-sat for two girls from the school, Isabel and Abagail. I haven’t spent much time with kids on this trip. And, not at all since Memphis… so, this was a huge treat for me! We played pick up sticks and Carabou and made cookies for the bake sale at my show that night. I also passed out on the couch for about 20 minutes at one point when they all went upstairs to the playroom.

This bus is packed full of people just like the buses in the south. But, the average age of the rider has dropped to 20, and the average skin tone has lightened several hues. Funny how the bus in the south is for poor black people… and the equivalent economic class in the north is college students. Of course these are generalizations, but having lived on the bus for the last 2 months, I feel that is a mostly accurate observation.

I am completely obsessed with Edie Carey these days… this morning, I woke up with her song, Chemistry, in my head. “Of all the stories I tell myself, please let this one be true” she croons. I have no idea what story I was telling myself, but that line seemed so painful and real when I woke up…

I highly encourage you to check out her music, if you’re not familiar with it already. She has another particularly beautiful and poignant song called Red Shoes on her myspace page. She also recently won a songwriting competition through Paste magazine that will give her some great opportunities… It makes me so hopeful about my own future! It can happen, it can happen. Even for little, independent songwriters like me who start out in Boston. ☺

You have a funny way of measuring success, my friend Beth said to me the other night. Hmm. I guess I do. I’ve been so mournful about this all ending, that I’ve forgotten to realize… I did it. Surrounded by these beautiful trees covered with snow, it’s starting to sink in. I made it all the way out west, delayed the onset of winter, for a few weeks, by hiding out in the southwest… and I sustained myself on music and the generosity of my friends for 8 straight weeks.


Feels like I left yesterday… And, then, all these little moments pop up in my head.

My cousin and her skiddish dog I tried to befriend in North Carolina. Teresa and her son James, and Kim Jones, who I found on facebook, just in time to visit with me in Memphis. The subway in Philadelphia, and the woman wearing a burka that really threw me off guard. New York, and Amalie’s alley-like hallway.

The unexpected trip to Chicago, and the open mic competition. Reconnecting with Jesse, my sister’s friend from high school. Getting to see my sister in Oregon, and find out she still salsa dances! The Mall of America, and magic glasses. The spiciest Mexican food I’ve EVER had in Bozeman, MT. My crazy roommate in Bozeman that woke me up 5 minutes before my bus left. My introduction to nasal cleaning kits by Chris’ crazy neighbor.

The Grand Canyon. The awesome turn out at my god mother’s house, which ended up being the most successful night for me on the road! New Mexico, Dallas. The “inclement weather” (read: rain) that closed the amusement park on the Santa Monica pier. The memory of that sign still makes me giggle to myself. Losing my voice. The beautiful night sky with the Venus and Jupiter in alignment with the moon. Late nights, losing sleep to buses and good conversations. Too much wine. And, so many good friends.

So, many opportunities to be heard… Too, too many nights to remember them all. Flooding in.

Oh, perfect song. Emmylou Harris just came on… She’s singing Deeper Well to me.

That’s what I set out to do – dive deeper. “Looking for the water from a deeper well.”

I was ready for the love, I was ready for the money, ready for the blood, and ready for the honey. Ready for the women, ready for the bell. Looking for the water from a deeper well. Found some love, found some money. Found that love would drip from the honey. Found I had a thirst that I could not quell. Looking for the water from a deeper well.

I guess I can’t really tell the end of this story. It doesn’t end… not here. This is just the beginning. A thirst I can not quell.

So, I’ll just have to say until we meet again... I hope your holidays are happy. Take good care of yourselves, and let it radiate out into everyone you hold close and then to those who you keep further away. Sing your heart out when noone’s listening. And, sometimes when they are. And, make sure you let things get really, really quiet sometimes you can hear yourself. Be attentive when you hear that voice calling. And, don’t hide away from what it says. Just go for it. Every time.

Blessings to you all as we let go of 2008… and peaceful wishes for new beginnings in 2009.

Much love to all of you who have been with me throughout this trip. I’ve felt your presence even when you weren’t in mine.

Jess

PS... Cornelius has found a new use for my suitcase for a while.